Letter to my Ex
I look back at the past decade and marvel at the precious times and memories I made with you. I realise that I did not give myself enough time to grieve and mourn the loss of our future together. What was and what could have been is now no more. I realise that most of what I had pre-created in my mind is now null and void and now I have to live with the reality of my now and future without you. I also have realised and learned that most of who I am now was moulded and shaped by what my mind had conditioned itself to. You and me. Us. And our happily ever after.
As I write and start to consciously listen to my emotions and feelings I realise that this is me healing. This is me going and stepping into a new human. I thank you for the lessons you taught me. The laughs we had. The fights and scars that broke me but built me. I thank you for pushing me and challenging me. I thank you for allowing me to be myself, allowing me to dream, to be independent and let go and roam free. I loved you with every single bit of me. At hat time I thought and believed that you were the one. But apparently God had something and someone better in mind for me. Apparently I was not for you and you were not for me.
Dear x. Today i’m officially letting go. It is well with my soul. [for that era] We lived, we loved and we conquered. I wish you well with your future. I pray for you and your life. May God bless you richly and abundandtly. May you continue to love and dream. You are a soldier. You are a warrior. And you are a force to be reckoned with. Stay afloat my dear x. God has your back and will never give up on you. I may have given up but God is your day one and continue to let him in to your life.
I wish you well. I smiled though my heart ached. But today I smile as my heart lets go and lets God….
I chose this particular title because at this very moment that is how I feel. Surely there has to be so much more to life.
I look back at my younger self and what she wanted. It definitely wasn’t what I am now. Lord, you know. Devil, you don’t. Lord, it is time for us to rise! Let us show the world who YOU are. Use me father, please use me. I want to show the world your miracles. I want to show the world your works through me. Make me a reflection of you Father! I am yours and only yours!! I am desperate for change, I am desperate for miracles and to live my dreams. Lord please please make it happen. Show yourself Father. I need you. Touch me now please my savior.
I am ready.
It’s 1:24am. I’m having my daily devotion with God. And I realize how often I have known who God is but have never really freely allowed him to be God and take control of my life. I’ve wanted to intervene and have a say. Not fully giving him HIS power to do things and be God.
Father God, today I give myself to you again and ask you to take me. All of me. Fully and completely Lord. I want to be empty so that I May be filled by the power and love of your Holy Spirit my Lord. I am ready for your blessings of strength, joy,endurance, persistence, believing, fighting and of being and belonging to you my God. Take me now and make me yours my Lord.
This is such an exciting time for me. Knowing that I am safe in your hands and having nothing to worry about brings me peace and settlement. I have absolutely no worries of weapons and threats prospering against me for I know that you promised to always be with me and that you will never forsake me my Lord. Oh what a wonderful feeling it is to be yours Lord Jesus. Every step I will take today will be in your name. It will be done gracefully and with much confidence for I walk the walk of the daughter of a King. I fear no evil for MY weapons are stronger and mightier than any other. My weapon is one and it is GOD. That is all and that is enough.
Father God this is the attitude I bring to the party table this week. I am ready for this week. I am taking you in with me. Please hold my hand Lord and never let go of me. Any challenges and victories that I will face, I want to face with you.
If anyone asks me, tell them that I am ready for I am with God and all is well with my soul.
If anyone further asks me how I do it, tell them that I am the powerful, strong, praying woman.
I struggled today. I have this bad habit of turning to food when I am in doubt or anxious. My eating habits have really gone astray the past 4months. And that is what in fact makes me nervous. to think I lost a whole 10kgs last year and have gained 6 of that back early sucks. Now instead of me going back to my healthy ways, I am feeding my self with filthier food in consolation and comfort. It is a struggle. I’m not winning. I keep trying to remind myself of the space I was in this time last year and what it was that kept me going in hopes that I can somehow adopt that attitude again. Day in and out, I am trying to be a better version of me.
Lord I need you.
Sick of ugly food…
It hit me!
I ACTUALLY know what I want to do 🙂 So of course I have been the very confused, anxious, unhappy, unsettled girl of late. Trying to find my purpose and what my calling is. I’ve constantly been praying to God about it and asking him to shed some light on me. It wasn’t until a colleague of mine started opening up to me telling me her story that I learnt that “I am actually not the only one”. Many of us are on this road of continuous self discovery, trying to better ourselves and finding what it is that makes us tick.
What I’ve learnt is that, it is OK to not have the same thing that made you tick when you were 18 make you tick now. But hell if it is still that ONE same thing then damn what a BONUS!
So I had a bit of a chat with my younger self earlier this week. The little Ayanda who was a dreamer and believed that absolutely everything is possible. What happened to her? I ask myself. So I went back into time and lived in that moment a bit.
“when I grow up I want to be in the entertainment industry”the little me would say. Ï want to see my name in lights and have camera’s all on me” I would say. “I want to make people laugh, smile, cheer them up and LOVE doing JUST that!”.
FFWD to now…
What happended to that girl? She grew up. She went to school and met all kinds of characters and personalities that made her [unbelieve] in her dreams. minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year she derailed…
And that’s how I lost sight of my dream.
For the past couple of weeks I have been in a state of the unknown. A state whereby I’m constantly trying to better myself yet I find myself stuck. And I sit here asking myself why or what am I doing wrong. I’ve consulted and seeked for advice but the truth is there is no better advice than my own, for the only person who knows my true dreams and goals is myself.
In trying to figure out what the key to unlocking my trapped situation – I have asked numerous times “Lord what is my purpose”.What is it that you have planned for my life and what direction am I to take? Am I on track? Should I change my route? Its is never an easy conversation to dive into and the challenging questions fight with your comfort zone They bring you to a realization that there actually is so much more out there and all I am having of it is one third of the quarter.
Stop it. Snap out of it. Remember way back when you were a kid. Remember those dreams you had to be the best and the realist. Remember how you wanted to stand out, inspire and motivate? Where is that girl? What happened to that mind? Let’s please bring her back.
You are it! You are amazing! You are fruitful! Your success is in your hands! Make it happen! Your parents didn’t bring you this far to be mediocre. Now cummon, fix that crown and get back on the ramp.
Well that’s the week I’ve had. Miserable, unproductive and completely pear shaped!! BUT that being said, my faith is not moved. I know I have my almighty father God who has a great big plan for me. One that I cannot see but one that I absolutely believe in. Lord I thank you for living inside of me and for always being my strength in all that I’ve been through. Prayer is powerful and God is listening ALL THE TIME!!
God thank you today.
For not giving up on me.
For wiping my tears away
For helping me through the day
For being my strength
For introducing me to my soulmate
For his love for me
For my love for him
For the doors you have opened up for me
For giving me hope
For YOUR love
Lord I thank you today…
so today is my last day of 25. phew it feels… I’m actually not entirely sure how it feels. I’m at a point where I feel like I want to stay 25. “Please God don’t make me grow older.” Once you tip the 25 mark I think it starts to kind of sink in.. Yes? No… Ok maybe I’m being a tad bit too hard on myself but you get what I mean. Here are some valuable lessons that I have learnt since I’ve been able to kind of try and understand this whole life thing…Not entirely there yet but hey look its something…
Lessons of 25.
- Respect God
- Respect life
- Don’t set high expectations for other people on your life
- Your parents are right 99% of the time. You’ll only understand later in life, not now
- Value family
- Treasure strong and real friendships
- Let go
- God will never forsake you
- If its not meant to be it won’t be.
- Don’t force matters
- When planning your life, consult with God first or else you’re up for major disappointment
- God. First and last. In EVERYTHING
- If you’re wrong, apologize
- Believe in yourself
- Be brave
- Be confident
- Stand up for yourself
- Be true to yourself
- Put on your dancing shoes and show up to the party. You’ll thank yourself later
- Maintain an attitude of gratitude
- Falling is not failing. Dust yourself off, get back up and try again
- Connect and talk to God ALL the time. There is never a right time. every second he is ready to listen and answer
- spend time with those who deserve and appreciate your time
- Love yourself
Til I turn 26…